I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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