She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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