i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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