I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize