Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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