dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
