I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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