Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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