i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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