Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
