i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
