i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
