1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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