Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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