TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Im part way to drunk.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
