You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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