Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
