he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
