If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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