the condom got lost in my hair
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
