you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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