make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize