why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
