So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
