she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
