I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
