We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
