Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
