if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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