i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Come back. Shots need mouths.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
