Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
