i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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