right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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