you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
