i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
