What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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