The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
