i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
