Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
