Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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