She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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