She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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