he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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