She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
