shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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