her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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