I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
