why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I think my vagina is haunted
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
