I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize