I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize