I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
