Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
