I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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