What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
