Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
