Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i just had sex bonerless
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
