First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Everyone says I win the strip club
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
