I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i love accidental penises.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
