There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize