My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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